Courage

A couple of weeks ago, you posted that quote from Brené Brown about midlife and courage. You posted it midday, but I didn't see it until very late that night, mostly asleep after a day of being outside in the summer heat. I already have an unfortunate tendency to see everything you do in a me-shaped prism, even though I'm sure I'm the furthest thing from your mind… But in that half-conscious state, already dreaming of you, I couldn't help but think you posted it for my benefit… Either as a signal that you were working on your courage, working on getting out of your box and becoming free… Or as a signal that you hoped I would do the same. Maybe even both.

Arrogant, I know. When did I become this arrogant? My entire life, I've had difficulty believing anybody liked me, in any capacity. I'm too quiet, too awkward, I don't ever know what to say. Can't talk to fellow dudes about sports. Clearly I've found a small core of people who I can call friend, but beyond that… Why would I think you think about me at all?

Still. I've been thinking a lot about that quote. I've been thinking about courage, and standing up for myself. I've been unhappy, I think, for a long time. And I need to fix that. And I want so very much for you to be a part of that journey, if you'd like… but… Even if you aren't, I need to take it, for my own well-being.

So I'll be working on me for a while. I don't know what that will entail, in either the long or the short term. But, like everyone else, I deserve to be happy (I want, so much, to be happy with you, but just being happy at all is the current goal). Regardless of what happens, or how it happens, I so look forward to your continued presence in my life, even if it sometimes might cloud my decisions a bit. Even if it is all my imagination, even if we can never be, you are an incredible person and I value you more than you can possibly ever know.

So thank you for posting that quote, even though I'm sure I wasn't on your mind when you did so. It may well have provided an important step for me to move towards happiness, and I will forever be grateful to you for that, whatever happens.

Yours,
♒️